So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
