what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
