hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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