my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize