I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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