I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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