I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
