I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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