I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
