man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
