remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize