mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
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