Who wears a wallet chain?!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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