what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
How's work?
Spinning.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
