Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
