If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
