I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
