I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
