He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Is Oprah even human
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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