new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
