hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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