When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I need to sanitize my soul.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
