Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Semen is not good for contacts.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
