oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Ketchup is God's man juice
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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