Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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