Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
