made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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