I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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