When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
