Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
