I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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