TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
