Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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