We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
