Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
