I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
