I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
