I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
