I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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