It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
