Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
