She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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