I wish I could punch you in the face.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
did i walk over a car last night?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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