my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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