Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
