and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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