Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
