i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
