and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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