So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
