Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
