Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
