R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
