Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
