Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize