Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
