i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
