Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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