My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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