ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
