I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
