hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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