He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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