my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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