dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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